Dad jokes

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

I was driving when I saw a kid chasing after a ball, but I didn’t have enough time to slow down. Then I pulled over, and the dad yelled, "What the fuck did you do?" I looked into the street and saw the ball completely deflated and the kid crying, "Now I gotta hear him bitch and moan all day," he continues.

There was a kid at school. He was reading a book and he came across a phrase. It was "purple pation." He went to his teacher and asked what it meant. His teacher said, "What the actual hell? Get the hell out of my class and go to the principal's office!" The principal said, "It's okay, it was probably a mistake. I will clean this all up. In the meantime, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." His principal stares at him for about 3 seconds, then says, "Get the hell out of my school. You are expelled!" He ran 7 miles to his dad's office crying all the way. He went to his dad and explained how his teacher kicked him out of the class and the principal expelled him. His dad said, "Calm down, I will clean this all up," and he said, "That's what the principal said. He said, 'I will clean it up'." He said, "OK, the phrase is 'purple pation'." His dad said, "I hate you, get out of my office. I don't want to see you again." He ran down crying to his house. He explained what happened. His mom said the same thing as everyone else, so he explains the phrase. His mom kicks him out of the house, and he ran down to the park crying. An old lady said, "What's wrong?" He explained what's happening. Then she says, "Well, what's the phrase?" He says, "Purple pation." The old lady said, "See that house across the street? That's my house. Come over in about 30 min and I will explain." He says, "Thank you." It was the longest 30 min of his life. He sprints across the street and gets hit by a bus.

Sorry guys ;)

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

Wanna hear a joke? Your dad leaving you, you sad clown!

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

What do you call a dad in the mirror?

(Your imagination.)

The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.

Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.

The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.

Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.

The person I hate: Rood.

Me: Shut up.

At an orphan's funeral, you say, "Your dad came back."

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

My dad said I should look if I could move a log. Well, he had to go get milk.

I think my dad is too black because whenever he goes to bed and closes his eyes, he disappears. 🤣

We have Build-A-Bear; meanwhile, orphans have Build-A-Mom, or if they’d rather, Build-A-Dad.

One day, the milkman came to drop off milk.

The boy asked the milkman, "Do you know where my dad is?"

The milkman replies, "I am your dad," then runs off like Batman!

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

Little Johnny's dad was drunk and told him to grow up, and he said, "STFU, you need to be young, you big-ass bitch!"

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?