Crisis jokes
An astronaut has had a mid-life crisis. He decides to leave everything behind and become a country farmer.
He buys some land and equips himself with everything he needs. The following Monday, he's ready to go with his hoe in hand and is about to walk out the gate, but he can't get through.
Why, you might ask? He's got no arms.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
"Are you having a crisis because people say 67?"
Really feeling suicidal is basically having a mental breakdown, but realizing you have nothing nice and sharp to use.
My friend is a pimp.
I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.
When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.
Stop with the 9/11 jokes.
They're not gonna fly.
Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?
A: He was in a mid-life crisis.
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.
Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
Feed the hungry with the hungry. It solves world hunger and overpopulation at once!
My advice to suicidal people: just hang in there. 🕺
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.
What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?
Hang in there!
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.
What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.