Crisis jokes
An astronaut has had a mid-life crisis. He decides to leave everything behind and become a country farmer.
He buys some land and equips himself with everything he needs. The following Monday, he's ready to go with his hoe in hand and is about to walk out the gate, but he can't get through.
Why, you might ask? He's got no arms.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
"Are you having a crisis because people say 67?"
Really feeling suicidal is basically having a mental breakdown, but realizing you have nothing nice and sharp to use.
My friend is a pimp.
I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.
When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.
Stop with the 9/11 jokes.
They're not gonna fly.
The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.
But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!
Don't be racist, I am a building.
Twin Towers: fucked.
It was fake.
BE RACIST.
Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?
A: He was in a mid-life crisis.
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
Why can't you get water in the North Pole?
Because there is no well.
They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.
I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.
Why does Elmo turn emo? Because he's Elmo emo.
Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
The second coming came and went. Jesus believed he was a Christian; therefore, he could never be himself.
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
"Who am I? Why am I typing?"
Anyone on this app is homeless and has no point in life. Well, I'm on this app 24/7, so do I have no point in life 24/7, or am I just weird and unwanted?