Crime jokes

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?

Roses are red, Epstein's face turned blue.

Trump's on that list, And there's nothing he can do.

Trump's releasing the files.

To catch all the pedophiles.

He didn't know Epstein.

Didn't touch any teens.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.

Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.

Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

What is the legal term for shoplifting?

10 fingers discount.

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?

What is a victimless crime in the state of Michigan if you are an able-bodied man who is well-endowed, not white, and not a heterosexual male?

A white male who is heterosexual and physically disabled who is sodomized by an able-bodied and well-endowed gay male who is not white inside the men's locker room at the gym.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.