An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone…

I’m 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend, I got heckled with “you’re a paedophile!” and “you sick F…!” Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!

“Why do people call Americans excessive?”

“It was probably because of WWII.”

“Oh you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?”

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?? He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.

“Doctor, doctor!” He cries out.

“What is it?” The doctor asks.

“I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.

“. . . That’s because I amputated your arms.”

Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked, he thought “I can f... her so fast she wouldn’t even know what happened” so he then flew down to the pool and did f... her. Wonder Woman stood up and said “What was that?” the Invisible man said “I don’t know but my asshole stinks”

What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises and a broken jaw?

Will you listen now?!?!?

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