Commitment jokes
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
What do you do if your online friend wants to commit suicide? You can't do anything, he's already on line.
So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.
It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.
Why did orphans want to commit a crime?
Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.
Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?
What’s the difference between Hitler and Steven Hawking?
Nothing, they're both dead, one painted the walls and the other committed suicide by pressing ALT + F4.
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
Wife: Honey, I love you.
Husband: I love you all.
Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
Balls deep.
What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!
Alvin and the Chipmunks commit war crimes.
Go commit Thanos finger snap.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.
Whoever says a joke "is not a joke" should go commit bye die.
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?
Consensual Rapper 7.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
How do you get a trans woman to commit suicide?
Use he/him pronouns on him.