Commitment jokes

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

People complain we are overpopulated.

Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?

What do you call an emo committing suicide while filming it?

America's Funniest Home Videos.

Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

Why did orphans want to commit a crime?

Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

They say they'll stay, but I left first.

Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.

Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?

Consensual Rapper 7.

So my teacher's daughter committed suicide.

One day I'ma go up to her and say, "What's wrong, did Logan Paul leave your daughter hanging?"

There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.