Commitment jokes
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
The teacher says to do your homework. I do. My friends do. One person never does any of his homework.
Eventually, we had to have fun. He said he didn't do it. WOW what did he do? I like to think he got smacked and nearly committed suicide.
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Don't commit suicide, that stuff kills you.
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.
They say they'll stay, but I left first.
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
Whoever says a joke "is not a joke" should go commit bye die.
My life is so meaningless that I committed a crime just to get shot. 0-0
This is not a joke; this is just about death...
Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.
So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.
I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"
She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"
He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?
Consensual Rapper 7.
What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!