Clothing jokes

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

I gave my friends some buttons.

Too bad he couldn't pull himself together.

Why is Sean's fashion so poor? He's retarded!

What do you say to toast with bad shoes?

"Butter those."

A police officer said to a belly button, "You're under a-vest."

Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.

I tried to dress hot so my boyfriend would cast some attention upon me, but it just made him sweat.

When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar.

POV: You're at school and you just enjoy your day.

Now once you found a bully and he said, "I will burn you in fire," then you just punched him out of the school and got detention. You escaped and walked home, but the bully came and ROASTED you. He threw you in the garbage, but you took off his clothes and even his underwear. You escape the bin and took a shower and had a good day after.

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."

"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."

The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.

"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."

If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

Why did the chicken explode? Because he pooped his pants!

I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.

Tides right?

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets!"

Do you want to wear my sombrero?

Or is that nacho style?

What's the sharpest thing in the world?

A fart... it goes straight through your pants without leaving a hole.

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

What did the shoe tell the feet?

"Put me on your feet!"

What’s brown, fuzzy, and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on vacation.