Church jokes

My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.

A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.

You would think catholic churches would be in favor of condoms: less DNA evidence.

Going to church, you don't think you are Christian.

Sleeping with ten men, you don't think you are straight.

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Do you know where priests go at night?

To all night sale at Boys R Us.

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

Why was there a box in a church? Because there was a funeral.

If you shit in a church, is it a holy shit?

When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"

What do you call an orphan who grows up to become a priest?

Father Les.

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

What kind of jeans do you wear to church?

Holy jeans!

Man: I must confess, Father.

Priest: What are you here to confess?

Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.

Priest: And what happened to your son?

Man: He said a man raped him.

Priest: When and where did this happen?

Man: A local church. I don't know which one.

Priest: ...By whom?

Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.

Priest: ...Shit

What pants do you wear to church? Hole-y ones.

The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"