Children jokes

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?

American: Self defense.

Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."

What is a pedophile's favorite job?

The mall santa.

Orphans are really out here taking selfies.

Nah bro, that's a family photo.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

I love bullying orphans. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

Mom, mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand..... Little Johnny, good! But he's not born yet.

Why aren't orphans good at Monopoly?

They don't know what a house is.

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?

A: Free delivery.

Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

"Because his dad never brought the milk."

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.

What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.

Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?

Because they were retarrrrrrrrrded.