Children jokes

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

Chuck Norris used to be an orphan.

Because some families were too scared of his bravery to adopt him.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?

American: Self defense.

Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."

What is a pedophile's favorite job?

The mall santa.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.

Orphans are really out here taking selfies.

Nah bro, that's a family photo.

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

I love bullying orphans. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

Mom, mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand..... Little Johnny, good! But he's not born yet.

Why aren't orphans good at Monopoly?

They don't know what a house is.

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?

A: Free delivery.

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

"Because his dad never brought the milk."