Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
Welcome to Peyton's Orphanage, where you make it, we take it!
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
How do you get a baby to stop crying?
Simple... you staple its mouth shut.
How do I feed the baby with my pants on?
What’s the most annoying thing about licking bald pussy?
Putting the damn nappy back on afterwards...
Why can't an orphan go on a field trip?
'Cause they need parent registration!
How do you make a baby cry?
You punch it in the face.
Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.
Bully: *Bullies kid*
Orphan: Stop!! *Cries*
Bully: What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?? XD
Orphan: :/
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?
Nail one hand to the ground...
How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."
A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.
What did the orphan say to the barber?
I dunno, the orphanage doesn’t pay for haircuts.
Why can't orphans go outside?
Because they have no parents to watch them!
How do you make a child’s parents happy?
Put the child to sleep.
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
Why can't orphans be home schooled?
Because they have no parent to home school them.