Cant jokes

Why can't England play chess?

Because they have no queen, and they will soon lose their king.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

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    • Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

    Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

    The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

    Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

    The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

    A man is pulled over by a police officer.

    The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"

    The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"

    The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

    "You don't have one?"

    The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

    The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"

    "I'm sorry, I can't do that."

    The officer says, "Why not?"

    "I stole this car."

    The officer says, "Stole it?"

    The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

    At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"

    "She's in the trunk if you want to see."

    The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

    The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"

    The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

    "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

    "Murdered the owner?"

    The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

    The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.

    The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"

    The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

    The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

    "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

    The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

    The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

    The best part about Asian jokes is that the only people that can be offended can't see the jokes.

    A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

    Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

    Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"

    Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.

    Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."

  • 2

    • What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?

    When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.

  • 1

    • Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

    The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

    Why did the chicken cro-

    UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓