Canning jokes

What are the similarities between a blind person and an orphan?

Neither can see their parents.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.

I guess you can say she had me in a trans.

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

Where can white people cook better than Black people?

On Father’s Day.

Where can a gay male that is abled bodied find the location of a glory hole if he is looking for a free and anonymous blowjob from another gay male?

From a physically disabled gay male who is either at the gym 💪 💪 🏋️‍♂️ or at the rest area ♿️ 🚹 🚽.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.

I like Christmas.

It’s the holiday where an old man breaks into people’s homes so he can give them toys! :) yaaaaay 😁