Canning jokes

"I had raped the game young, you can call it statutory." - Kanye West in 2009 (Forever with Drake, Eminem, and Lil Wayne)

So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."

You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

People say, "I like your cut G." Which is when you get a fresh cut. But I guess when you go bald, we can say, "Like your forehead, G."

I know it's really, really, really, really bad.

If the government can print money,

Then why are we paying taxes?

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?

A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!

I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."

Girl: Hey.

Orphan: Hi.

Girl: Wanna be friends?

Orphan: Sure.

Girl: Ok, and go ask your parents if we can have a sleep over.

Can emos eat a Happy Meal?

Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Can I put deez nuts in yo cluts?

Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"

He waited for three hours to get an answer.

His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."

Anyone can do a Michael Jackson impression. All you need is a small boy who can keep a secret.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What time is it when you get home, can you walk home and walk?

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3

Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?

Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.

Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!

Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)

Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!

Me: Ok, and their names?

Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!

Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)

Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.

Me: Ok, see you soon! :3

Me now hates my life. :)