Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."
Anything can be funny with the right delivery, except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
How can all rape be prevented? Just teach your daughters to never say no to a man. There - fixed!
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?
"Can you show me what rape is?"
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
What can an elevator do that an orphan’s parents can’t?
The elevator can raise a family.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s penis.
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
What sea creature can add up? A octoplus.
Can I put my balls in your jaws?
What can change color and get beat up?
You.
What is the best type of girl to fuck?
Homeless girls, because after, you can drop them off anywhere.
Why can orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.
Me: Can I get your mom's number?
Friend: Here you go:
Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.
The daughter of an incestuous pedophile goes into the living room where he is watching TV and asks him if she can borrow the car that evening.
"Sure honey! If you suck my dick!"
So she gets down on him but something is wrong. She pops her head up and says: "Dad! This tastes like shit!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot," says the father. "I already gave your brother the car for tonight."
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
