Canning Jokes

What kind of dog can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can?

Good thing it was a "soft" drink!

If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.

You can sink the Titanic like you can drive a bike. Not a joke.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. The person got excited and asked if I can drive a truck.

The image shows a wooden guillotine with labels and prices for each part from Home Depot, accompanied by the text "Something you can do with your $600 stimulus check." at the top and "DIY PROJECTS & IDEAS" at the bottom. The parts and prices include: 24in x 24in, #16 plain sheet metal for $39.98; Everbilt 1/4in x 100 ft Sisal Rope, Naural for $7.97; 1in x 6in x 8 ft for $10.11; 4in x 4in x 10 #2 for $11.12; 2in x 4in #12 Galvanized L-Angle for $2.11; and 2in x 4in x 10 #2 for $3.88.

Why do orphans like to go to church?

Because they can finally call someone "father!"

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

Why do orphan girls become prostitutes?

So they can call someone "daddy."

"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"

"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."

"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."

Only a genius can say this.

I am stupid.

Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”

What's the difference between a Doberman Pinscher and a Social Worker?

Eventually, you can get a baby back from a Doberman Pinscher.

What can Michael Jackson eat in his coffin?

Nothing, only brown bread, what they call it! 😂😂😂

A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."

What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!

Three women—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—are riding through the desert on a dune buggy. About two hours later, their vehicle dies with no gas, and they're forced to travel to their destination on foot, but they all agree to carry something with them.

The brunette brings canteens of water.

The redhead takes a large beach umbrella.

The blonde somehow rips off the car door.

The redhead asks her, "Why did you take the whole car door?"

To which the blonde replied, "So I can roll down the window in case it gets too hot."

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"

One dark stormy night when I was 8 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee. Half asleep, I walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door, I felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically, and the ghostly sound stopped. Terrified, I did what I had to and went back to bed.

The next 3 nights, the same thing happened, and finally, I decided I had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up, I went into my parents' room and woke my mom up and said, "You have to come with me and see this, it's really important." Half asleep, she murmured, "Oh, what is it? Can't it wait until the morning?" I pleaded, "No, you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost. When I go in the middle of the night, I can hear a ghost sound. Then when I open the door, I feel the cold as it swoops through me, and the light comes on automatically." She yawned and said, "Oh, so that's who's been peeing in the refrigerator."