Canning jokes

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador.

How can all rape be prevented? Just teach your daughters to never say no to a man. There - fixed!

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

Why can Elsa hold a balloon? She will "Let It Go"!

Why is a ghost so predictable?

Because you can see right through it.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

Why did the orphan jump off of bridge?

So they can reunite with their dead family.

Why is it okay to hit an orphan?

It's not like it can tell its parents.

What store can an orphan never find?

Home Depot.

What holiday can an orphan not celebrate?

Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Why was the Orphan boy gay?

So he can call someone Daddy.

"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."

"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"

Why do orphans go to church?

So they can call someone father!

What's the difference between a light bulb and a woman?

You can screw and unscrew a light bulb, but you can't unscrew a woman.