Canning jokes

You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

I give bubblegum to the homeless so they can chew it and still be hungry.

A Roman guy walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Can I have 5 beers please?"

A: Do you eat food?

B: Yes...

A: You can sit on deez nuts then!

B: Omg I have depression now.

Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.

I went to the orphans to paint a picture of their parents so they can actually talk to them.

What is the difference between a school 🏫 and a human?

A human can walk, and a school 🏫 cannot walk.

What is the difference between a school bus and a baseball?

You can throw a baseball, and you can’t throw a school bus.

What time is it when you get home, can you walk walk home, and walk walk home from school today? And...

What time is it when you get home and you can't walk home?

What day can you have sex on?

Answer: Wednesday. Why? Because it's hump day.

Armless child: Can you give me a hand??

Me: Ok.

What do you think of your mom? I can do it.

I'm supposed to put a joke here.

But I can't find a mirror...can you find one yourself?

I'm sure you'll laugh.

Yo mama so hot, she can fit in a mug.

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

Not to be rude or anything, but I'm not adopted. My boyfriend is, and some of these are really mean because sometimes their parents give them up just because they're ugly or just because of their skin color. We should stop making fun of them, and yes, I do giggle sometimes, but they can be really hurtful sometimes.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

You can only unload one of them with a pitch fork.