Canning jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, all these orphan jokes have ruined this site. Fuck you!

Dumb kid: What does homework mean?

Teacher: J0K35? (J0K35 is me btw) can you explain to DK what homework means, please?

Me:

"Half Of My Existence Wasted On Random Knowledge"

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Why the actual f

is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not and no one will know the goddam difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, “It’s too offensive,” or something like that. Goddam, just take that shit somewhere else!

Neona: Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: I knew it! I knew my prayer worked!

Neona: He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!

Gwen: Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!

Neona: Who is Mr. Jaekson?

Gwen: Wait... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?

Neona: No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.

Gwen: No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!

Neona: Gwen, you are a liar!

Gwen: No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth, Neona!

Neona: Gwen, please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr. Smith sexual assaults women!!!

Gwen: He does, you're not listening.

Neona: I don't care, BITCH!!!!

How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.

Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.

My friend: How?

Justin: Justin!

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

I give bubblegum to the homeless so they can chew it and still be hungry.

A: Do you eat food?

B: Yes...

A: You can sit on deez nuts then!

B: Omg I have depression now.

Why did Zayn Malik get his girlfriend to convert to Islam? So she can declare GiGIHADid.

A Roman guy walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Can I have 5 beers please?"

Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!

You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.

What is the difference between a school 🏫 and a human?

A human can walk, and a school 🏫 cannot walk.

Armless child: Can you give me a hand??

Me: Ok.

What do you think of your mom? I can do it.

What day can you have sex on?

Answer: Wednesday. Why? Because it's hump day.

What time is it when you get home, can you walk walk home, and walk walk home from school today? And...