Canning jokes

What time is it when you get home and you can't walk?

One day, this dad and his son went to a basketball factory, and the son said, "I want to buy some balls." The dad said, "What for?" The son said, "So you can have some balls."

What is the one spray that can kill midgets? Bug spray.

Why can Jesus walk on water?

Because rubbish floats.

I’m posting this again cuz I can and cuz it got thumbs downs and cuz I’m bored. Stop being sensitive snowflakes and get a sense of humor. Geez.

What gun isn’t allowed in Africa? A water gun.

Me: Hey, I have candy.

Kid: Right next to me, can I have some?

Me: Some of deez nuts.

Why can't white people post jokes about making fun of black people, but black people can post jokes about making fun of white people?

Because white people have white privilege.

How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?

Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.

What is a home that can fly?

A magic house!

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Steve!"

"Steve who?"

Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.

God- make a grumpy old man president.

Angel- why?

G- cause I said so-name him Trump.

A- okay.

G- make him not pay taxes.

A- okay...

Fast forward to 2020

G- you know that grumpy old man?

A- yea...

G- make him create a deadly virus named after a beer.

A- Krona.

G- exactly.

A- why do you hate humans so much?

G- because I can.

How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.

How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.

How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.

What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!

Okay class, who can tell me who the fastest readers are?

The pilots of 9/11 went through the Twin Towers, 6 in 3 seconds.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

Grass is green. I am the queen. If only I can see you scream on the screen.

Things that rhyme with green, queen, screen: clean, between, been, ...