Canning jokes

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."

Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

Why are feminists always against men?

Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

Why can a gay man give a better brojob to a heterosexual man than another heterosexual man?

Experience.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

The gayest person in the world is Pacman. You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay guys can play Star Wars.

How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?

If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?

Well, probably their kneecaps.