Canning jokes

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded?

I can Nazi!

What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?

Suck dick.

Why do orphans play GTA?

So they can feel wanted.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broom.

The broccoli says, "I look like a small tree." The mushroom says, "I look like an umbrella." The walnut says, "I look like a brain." And the banana says, "Can we please change the subject?"

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?

When you have a gun in your hand.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.

What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?

Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

I bet China can be the best baseball team. They took out the entire world with just a bat.

Why do feminists believe that they can act like a bitch towards men if they want to? Because they were born without a penis.