Canning jokes

What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?

Suck dick.

Why do orphans play GTA?

So they can feel wanted.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broom.

"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."

The broccoli says, "I look like a small tree." The mushroom says, "I look like an umbrella." The walnut says, "I look like a brain." And the banana says, "Can we please change the subject?"

What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?

When you have a gun in your hand.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?

Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.

I bet China can be the best baseball team. They took out the entire world with just a bat.