Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Knock knock
Who's there
Insomnia
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can 't cry myself to sleep anymore...
What’s the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim
What can an Olympic runner do that hitler cant. Finish a race
Why do they do glow in the dark comdoms?
So gay people can play Star Wars.
What's worse then a baby in a trash can?
A baby in 10 trash cans.
English is weird. -- It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek Together we can stop this shit
Brother: I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help Sister: that’s my fu__ing electric toothbrush Brother: oh, well the offer still stands.
Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Why can Michael Jackson not play chess. Because he can’t pick which side he is is he on the white or black side
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
