Canning jokes
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
I can hear the whole world booing me.
Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
Memes
Like if you can relate
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?
Finish a race.
Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?
So gay people can play Star Wars.
What's worse than a baby in a trash can?
A baby in 10 trash cans.
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
Incest. A game the whole family can play.
What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?
"Together we can stop this shit."
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”