Canning jokes

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can eat her candy. He got sick when he got a mouthful of dick and realized her name was Randy.

Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?

Finish a race.

Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?

So gay people can play Star Wars.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can?

A baby in 10 trash cans.

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

"Together we can stop this shit."

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!

Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.

Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”