Canning jokes

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?

Finish a race.

Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?

So gay people can play Star Wars.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can?

A baby in 10 trash cans.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

"Together we can stop this shit."

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!

Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?

Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."