Canning jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can eat her candy. He got sick when he got a mouthful of dick and realized her name was Randy.

Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.

I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?

Finish a race.

Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?

So gay people can play Star Wars.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can?

A baby in 10 trash cans.

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek?

"Together we can stop this shit."

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!

Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.

Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."