Canning jokes
Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.
The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"
Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."
The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"
Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."
Why do orphans want a sugar daddy?
They actually can call someone "daddy!"
If your baby can unhook your bra, is it time to stop breastfeeding?
Anyone can do a Michael Jackson impression. All you need is a small boy who can keep a secret.
Why go across town when you can go across the hall?
Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.
Elderly man: Can I get a discount, please? I fought in World War 2.
Cashier: Sure!
Elderly man: Danke.
I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.
Can I put my balls in your jaw <3?
Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.
Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?
Your mom is so fat nobody can compare her to anything.
What music do depressed people listen to?
"I Believe I Can Fly."
What's worse than ten dead babies in a dumpster? One dead baby in ten trash cans...lol
What part of a vegetable can you not eat?
The wheelchair.
What do emo boys and emo girls have in common? They both wanna die and cut so they can die faster, but they are already dead, already dead to me!
What game can an emo play on their wrists without an ink pen?
Tic-tac-toe.
When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.
Hey, can you Putin deez nuts?
One thing you can ask Mario:
"Can you jump up and down for me?"