Why do Asians excel at math?
Because their dog can never eat their homework.
What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?
A robot can feign empathy.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You're so flat we can play chess on your chest!
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?
None. Neither can see their parents.
Why do emo kids cost so much?
Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?.... Micheal Phelps can finish a race
Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady? you can unscrew a lightbulb
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
You’re so ugly, I can see why your dad left now.
Been learning Chinese...
69 is too-can-chew.
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
What can jump higher than a basketball player? and emo kid, they never touch the ground
My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."
