But jokes

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

My boyfriend entered a retarded contest, but they said no because they don’t allow perfectionists.

A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.

"Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.

"What is it?" The doctor asks.

"I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.

". . . That's because I amputated your arms."

How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?

The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.

One hot day a cow wanted some shade.

He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."

I can tell you an airplane joke, but it will probably fly over your head.

I would make a clock joke, but I don't have time.

I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

Q: What do you call a skeleton that goes to school but doesn't do any work?

A: Lazy bones.

I was going to walk to Verizon, but I decided to Sprint over to T-Mobile instead.

So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"

Do you get it? SEArch.

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.

When people mean "phat feast," they don't mean fat.

When yo mumma says "phat," she means FAT but thinks she's cool!

I love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened, but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were?

When your uncle drops a nickel, but the only thing he really drops is his pants.

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up!

I have a skeleTON of jokes, but none of them are very humorous.

I would tell you a chemistry pun, but I won't get a reaction.