Bush Jokes

Anonymous

9/10/01

Bush: “Ok i e got this just act surprised and pretend to be sad and declare war on Afghanistan”

Jeffery

So a mom and a dad are having sex, their daughter comes down and says, "mommy mommy, what are you doing?" The mom goes, "Uh, were making a cake, let's go back to bed." So she tucks her daughter in and says, "We will go to the park tomorrow." So the next day they go to the park and two teens are going at it in some bushes and the little girl goes,"mommy mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes "they're making a cake, let's go back home." So they go home and the mom tucked her Indo bed and says "tomorrow we will go to the zoo." And so the next day they go to the zoo and two monkeys are going at it and the girl goes "my mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes "they're making a cake let's go back home." And so they go home and the girl goes "mommy, did you and daddy make a cake last night?" And the mom nervously says "n-no why?" And the little girl goes "because I licked the icing off the couch."

YT Toast4128
in Dark Humor

Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies. Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive. Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out. Wanna hear something that’s the worst? He comes back for seconds.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working Hit your wife harder

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it

What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies? I don’t put fruit in a blender.

What’s the darkest point in the universe? The inside of a KFC

what is the most difficult day in the ghetto fathers day

How do Asians name their kids? They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

What do you call a white man in court?? SUPERIOR!!!

A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks “did you get her number?”. He replies “no, but it’s okay, I’ll see her at the next family reunion”

What if Stephen Hawking was the real slim shady but couldn't stand up.

JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech

how do you surprise a blind guy? leave the plunger in the toilet

Covid 19 stopped mass shooting faster than the Government

Want to know why parents don’t get school shooting jokes? Because they are aimed at a younger audience.

a man asks a woman: Are you a school? women: No why? man: Oh i wanted to shoot my kid inside of you.

I lost at Kahoot so I had to ka-shoot When the school shooters finally leaves your class room but then the autistic kid next you sketchers light up

Don’t worry if you have a stroke You’ll be alright

What’s the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement? Baby Jesus died a virgin what is worst than a baby getting hanged in a tree that same baby getting hanged in multiple trees

So I texted my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: not again brother I’m only 8

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me

Roses are red Walls are made of plaster Schoolchildren can move fast But bullets can move faster

What do you call a piece of tech that acts emo Cutting-edge Technology

I’m starting to wish my grass was emo. Why? So it would cut itself.

Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over.

How do you win an argument against an emo? kick the chair.

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job? showing them the ropes.

if an emo doesn’t get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won’t be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

What’s an emo’s favorite Pink Floyd album? The Final Cut.

Why do emos like yo-yo’s? cos they get strangled by the string

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut so I said, “I like ya cut g.” And I slapped him. I don’t know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.

What’s the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

How do emo’s compliment each other? They say " I like your cuts g"

Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park? He kept cutting in line

What do you call an emo kids suicide live stream? America’s funniest home videos

what game do emo kids love the most… hangman

When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays pumped up kicks

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler but missed. Then Adolf replied, “Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!”

Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.

Bob Ross fighting in Vietnam. “They're in the happy little trees, shoot the happy little trees and bushes.”

Kid starts shooting people in school, and the teacher asks “why are you doing that”. He responds, “I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas”

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil

What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin. What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos.

They named road after george floyd it was a dead end though

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

What do you call a blind racist? A not see

So we were working with a new client at work and my boss farts, he said "a little gas never killed anyone

Q. What’s long, hard, and scary when you first see it? A. Calculus homework.

Q. What’s white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow? A. Toothpaste.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic

I saw a man trying to rape a girl,i decided to help, she didn’t stand a chance against both of us

I called the rape advice line last night turns out its just for victims

Rape is such an ugly word, I prefer the term struggle snuggle

You know what the worst thing about gang rape is? Having to wait your turn.

the god of dark humor

Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies. Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive. Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out. Wanna hear something that’s the worst? He comes back for seconds.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working Hit your wife harder

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it

What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies? I don’t put fruit in a blender.

What’s the darkest point in the universe? The inside of a KFC

what is the most difficult day in the ghetto fathers day

How do Asians name their kids? They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

What do you call a white man in court?? SUPERIOR!!!

A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks “did you get her number?”. He replies “no, but it’s okay, I’ll see her at the next family reunion”

What if Stephen Hawking was the real slim shady but couldn't stand up.

JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech

how do you surprise a blind guy? leave the plunger in the toilet

Covid 19 stopped mass shooting faster than the Government

Want to know why parents don’t get school shooting jokes? Because they are aimed at a younger audience.

a man asks a woman: Are you a school? women: No why? man: Oh i wanted to shoot my kid inside of you.

I lost at Kahoot so I had to ka-shoot When the school shooters finally leaves your class room but then the autistic kid next you sketchers light up

Don’t worry if you have a stroke You’ll be alright

What’s the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement? Baby Jesus died a virgin what is worst than a baby getting hanged in a tree that same baby getting hanged in multiple trees

So I texted my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: not again brother I’m only 8

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me

Roses are red Walls are made of plaster Schoolchildren can move fast But bullets can move faster

What do you call a piece of tech that acts emo Cutting-edge Technology

I’m starting to wish my grass was emo. Why? So it would cut itself.

Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over.

How do you win an argument against an emo? kick the chair.

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job? showing them the ropes.

if an emo doesn’t get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won’t be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

What’s an emo’s favorite Pink Floyd album? The Final Cut.

Why do emos like yo-yo’s? cos they get strangled by the string

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut so I said, “I like ya cut g.” And I slapped him. I don’t know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.

What’s the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

How do emo’s compliment each other? They say " I like your cuts g"

Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park? He kept cutting in line

What do you call an emo kids suicide live stream? America’s funniest home videos

what game do emo kids love the most… hangman

When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays pumped up kicks

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler but missed. Then Adolf replied, “Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!”

Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.

Bob Ross fighting in Vietnam. “They're in the happy little trees, shoot the happy little trees and bushes.”

Kid starts shooting people in school, and the teacher asks “why are you doing that”. He responds, “I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas”

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil

What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin. What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos.

They named road after george floyd it was a dead end though

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

What do you call a blind racist? A not see

So we were working with a new client at work and my boss farts, he said "a little gas never killed anyone

Q. What’s long, hard, and scary when you first see it? A. Calculus homework.

Q. What’s white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow? A. Toothpaste.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic

I saw a man trying to rape a girl,i decided to help, she didn’t stand a chance against both of us

I called the rape advice line last night turns out its just for victims

Rape is such an ugly word, I prefer the term struggle snuggle

You know what the worst thing about gang rape is? Having to wait your turn.

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? – Meals on

Anonymous
in Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his mom were sitting in church one day, when suddenly Johnny said,"Mom I think I'm gonna throw up" Then his mom said, "Go across the field and into the bushes, hopefully no one will see you there". Johnny comes back a minute later and his mom asks,"Did you make it?", then Johnny said,"No, but there was a box by the door that SAID For The Sick"

Wacky
in Depression

Me and Rose Bushes have something in common mangled,can hurt,red, and people only like one part

😏😟😈😣😖😩😫🥵

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says “Your mother, of course.” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says “You’re so so sexy!”

Braxvon
in Little Johnny

One day little johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked what is that daddy. Dad"Oh that's my snake." The next day little johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and askes what is that mom says"that's my bushes" the next day Little johnny cant sleeps so he goes into his parents room and asks dad why is your snake going into moms bushes.

One day little Jonny needs to use the bathroom. His mom is in there so he went in to use it and asked his mom what is that between your legs. His mom told him that is her bush. Then the next day the same thing happened but with his dad. He asked his dad what is that between his legs. He said my snake. The same thing happened one more time except with his grandmother. Little Jonny asked grandma what is on her chest. She said my headlights. One night little Jonny caught his parents doing something naughty. Then he said grandmaw grand maw turn on your head lights daddy snake is trying to get into mommy's bush.

in Eyebrow

Your eyebrows could make the bushes outside feel jealous.

Dirty dodds
in Little Johnny

Little jonny waked in on his mom in the shower and said what's that on your chest mom: those are my head lights oh what's that in between your legs mom: oh that's my bush jonny: oh OK next he waked in on his dad in the shower he said dad what's that in between your legs dad: oh that's my snake jonny: oh OK that night little jonny walks in on his parents going at it and said " mom turn on his head lights there's a snake Going in your bush

F...me
in Sadness

Little Steven has Scared to take a Shower by himself so he Asked his mum to shower with him. She said ok just don’t look up. He looked up and said wow what are those. She said they are headlights. He looked under and stuck his finger in it and said oh what is that. She said that’s a Pu-pu-pu Bush!! The next day Stevens mom wasn’t home so he asked his Papa can I shower with you? He said ok just don’t look up. Well Steven looked up and said WTH IS THAT? His dad said it’s a Snake. That night he asked his parents if he can sleep with them. They said ok Just don’t look under the covers. He grew bored then looked under and Screamed mom turn on the headlights There’s a snake in the bush.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, “for the France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS”

in Roast

The bushes outside got jealous after they saw your eyebrows

one day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy then they heard a sound from the bushes, instead of looking down they both ran.

two years later they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial they asked him if he has ever been caught he said "No but a couple was walking as soon as i killed a girl i jumped into a bush they didnt know i was there but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down then he and his girlfriend ran."

Daddy Milkie
in Orphan

Why did Orphans have to drink there own piss? Because last time they went to the bar they went with there dad and drank some corona then got drunk and started eating someones toenails so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody has to evacuate the bar then the Orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldnt die and loved it so then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on youtube and the boy became famous so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk then the little boy became really rich

Th4t0n3Gu7
in Fat

To mama so fat when she goes to get grapes off a bush the bush says bitch never thought they can grow that big

Ilikeannoyingmyfriendswithjokes
in Annoying

3 men walk into heaven at the same time. they all live in the same city. god asks the first man "how did you die?" the man says "I have a heart condition and iv'e been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. anyway I get how from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hang of the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guys fingers! he falls into a bush so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man "how did you die?" the man says I was cleaning the windows and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! luckily I fall safely in a bush! but then a refrigerator falls on me!" god asks the third man he says" I was the one in the fridge!"

katgodatw

|Chapter #1|

“Hey Matthew, how is our world doing,” I asked Matthew through the mic. My name is Kai and Matthew was my best friend and my brother, well, stepbrother he lives with my dad along with Clara my little sis. Matthew and I were born in the same year but with different parents, he is like my twin. Our birthday is the same, march, 21, 2009, then Matthew responds, “It’s doing fine. I finished building the second floor of the house” we were playing Minecraft java edition, in hardcore so if we died we would lose the world. we had made it so far in survival mode. just then I heard someone knocking on my door to my room. I went to go see who it was but just as I got out of my chair, the computer made a weird sound and I heard Matthew scream for help seconds before I was sucked into the computer.

|Chapter #2| Survival

“Oof, that hurt” I groaned. I looked down and I almost fainted. I was in Minecraft. I had a dark blue shirt with dark almost black, brown pants. The only problem was that if Matthew got sucked in the game then where was he. Just then I heard a big boom I looked behind me and what I faced was a big crater I walked to the crater and seen some wood planks plus brick, stone and gate just at that moment I realized that that was the house me and Matthew were building then I heard groaning, thinking it was a zombie, and not realizing that it was nighttime, I jumped into the crater. I peeked above the grass block and saw a person, tall, skinny, and had a girl shape to their body. I thought it was Matthew but realized it was a girl. The moonlight shone down on her. I had never seen her before. She was as tall as me and had black hair and dark blue eyes then behind me I heard something move. I looked behind me and found a zombie on a grass block but it just fell down the crater into a puddle of lava I tried not to laugh but I burst out laughing “ha ha ha ha” then I heard the girl scream I jumped up and seen a zombie about to eat her but by then I had a crafting table and lots of wood and a couple of sticks I quickly made a sword and lunged at the zombie not out of saving the girl but also to save a person I can team up with and find Matthew with. I hit the zombie square through the back of its head then when it did not die and turned around I remembered zombies don’t die with one hit but it did fall off the cliff that I realized was there so I am pretty sure it was not going to come back. So I started walking but just then the girl (whom I forgot was there) tried throwing me off the edge Thankfully I got to the ground before she could throw me off the edge. when I got up, I was eye to eye with her. I could see that her eyes were blue just like sapphires. At that moment both of us were frozen, standing there, and opened our mouths to talk but before we could she was cut off by an arrow hitting the tree next to us “ come on, hurry!” I yelled I ran into the hole where the Minecraft house used to be. By then I had picked up some of the wooden planks that were still there and built a 4 x 4 house and pulled her into there and drew my sword ( because I was so good at the game, so I made it fast)

I looked out the window, that I had picked up and seen some skeletons and zombies. Surprisingly there was no creepers insight, well not for now anyway. We sat there for what seemed like forever no one talked; we just sat there until I saw the light of day. I crouched and slowly made my way outside. I stalked the perimeter and saw some zombies burning but nothing else I made my way to the entrance of the little house and I stopped in my tracks at what my house became right there in the doorway. there was a path down to the girl I saved, who was mining the dirt from the ground. I got out of the doorway and went to the crafting table and made a pickaxe, went down with the girl, And asked her if she found any coal, in reply I got a no. to be fair though she just hit stone. There was a lot of dirt where we were. We had been digging for a while and it was now sunset by then I had gone out and got some wood and made the place a little bit bigger. We added a long chest, then put all the dirt and cobblestone we got into the chest. When night had fallen I drew my sword and waited for the worst. Thankfully nothing came except a zombie. After the sun rose I went out to get some more wood while she did some stuff in the wooden house. I had been thinking about Matthew and how the house blew up. Right then I thought it might be a griefer so I went to go ask the girl if she thinks that too. who I still have yet to ask for her name. but as I made my way to the house I saw a figure sprint from a tree I stopped in my tracks. I ran behind a tree and sat there till I saw the girl look for me then I came from behind the tree while looking at where I saw the shadow. As I walked toward her she was walking behind the house to see what I was looking at but I stopped her and before she said anything I explained " I saw someone, I don't want you to go over there" as I looked into her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. “Let’s get in the house before the zombies come, or worse.” as we walked I kept my eyes on the woods surrounding us. Once we were there I escorted her into the house while I checked behind me once we were in the house I made a door and put some dirt behind it right at that moment I heard a hiss and before I could get out the ground exploded I flew far from the house to a desert. I hit the ground with a thud and sand in the mouth I got up and dusted myself off and surveyed my surrounding and found myself surrounded by mobs so I sprinted for my life as an arrow whizzed past me

|Chapter #4|

Supplies

I ran for something like wood or something I could but the desert supplied me with none of that and I realized that I would have to take this into my own hands I hit a dead bush and got a stick and turned around and hit the nearest thing to me which was a creeper I turned again and ran until I saw daylight. I had found a temple which I hid in. I punched the wool and made my way down to the chests. As I made my way down I took some extra sand just in case and once I was able to get in the chests and found a golden apple, Redstone dust, paper, and bones I took all of this. Just in case I needed them, I slowly made my way up and out of the temple. I walked until I saw the night approach so I dug down a little bit and made a little cutout in the sand so I didn’t have to face the mobs again. It had been the morning by the time I dug myself out. When I got out I gazed upon the beautiful sunrise mobs were burning up in the sunlight and a couple of creepers and a spider or two I waited until I saw no more mods other than a creeper and the spiders I knew the spiders won’t hurt me but the creepers would. So I crouched and snuck behind the creeper and bumped into the spider but all it did was make a hiss. I quickly turned around and to my surprise, the creeper was just standing there like nothing ever happened so I stayed crouched and walked a little further once I was a safe distance away I got up and made my way to the lights to the close village nearby. As I got there I saw no iron golem or villagers so I thought to myself that they were probably inside their houses as I walked past two of the houses I saw some spider webs and stained glass and realized that this is an abandoned village and found some iron with zombies everywhere and most of them had helmets so that was the reason they weren’t burning up. I had to find some supplies before I battled the zombies so I took as much stuff from the village that I could and put on some iron armor and got out an iron sword. I knew what the danger was if I died but I’m still going to do it. I made my way to where the zombies were and as I set foot in their sight they came after me. I jumped quickly when I touched the ground I had impaled the first zombie and threw it at another zombie and stabbed through both of them but when I thought it was getting better I saw an arrow hit my sword I looked up from the battle and mess I created to my right there was an evoker and a pillager with a crossbow I dashed for the nearest house and dove in. I heard arrows hitting the ground and the walls around me. I knew there was no way out, not unless I fight, so I drew my sword again just as a pillager walked in it distracted me from what it was really doing, it moved out of the doorway and to what I saw was an evoker about to hit I jumped up when I saw some teeth about to come and threw my sword at the pillager, who was trying to shoot me, and when I hit the ground I stole my sword back from the dead body of the pillager and chucked it at the evoker whether it hit or not I didn't care the only thing I wanted to do was get away from here. I made a wild dash out the door. I ran past the dead iron golem and stole the iron ingots from the illiger that had killed the iron golem. I ran as far away from the village as possible and looked behind me to see what the village had become.

I hated the look of the burning town and all the villagers dying left and right. I guess I didn't see the villagers before and as I looked beyond there was another village already half-burnt. I wanted to rage and kill everything in sight, I decided not to because I only had an iron sword from the blacksmith. I turned my back to the village and walked toward the forest that was beyond the desert. As I walked I could tell that the sun was fading away and the moon was rising. I ran as fast as I could toward the forest. I didn’t want to get caught in the night fighting again. I could not afford to die, not here anyway. Once I got to the forest I could tell someone had been here because there had been a space cleared and there was wood missing in some of the trees plus there was a hole in the ground about 10 feet from me. I didn't know if this person set up traps or just left but either way, I held up my sword and started forward. I didn't find much after that only a cave that had some torches and no ores so that was a fact there was someone or something that lived here. I had camped out for a couple more days and then started to scavenge for food. It wasn't hard because there was a herd of pigs and cows. I made my way to them as they grazed and found a hole that led straight down. I had a pickaxe and hands so I dug down to the bottom. I found some iron but not much more. It was strange that there was a hole straight down and through the bedrock. I stayed for a couple of days in the forest then once the sun came up I strolled out of the forest dodging the occasional zombie or skeleton I almost blew up due to a creeper. It hadn't been long before I realized that a shadow Was a little out of my pace. It wasn't long before it disappeared from my sight. While I chased it I was kind of curious about what it would be like that there wasn't much that had Shadows around here other than living people. And if it was a person then it could very well be the girl that I rescued from the zombie not much long ago. I dashed as fast as I could. It had been a while after the explosion before I had heard of any other living thing other than villagers. At first, I had the thought that something bad had happened but that changed when I saw a huge herd of cows, pigs, and sheep along with some horses. With a sigh of relief, I dashed toward the cows to get some leather before they ran away. Just then the ground went out below me and I fell down in a dark musty area with Redstone lights going down a tunnel. The moment I stepped through the two-block tall gap I heard a tick and realized that the place was lined with pressure plates.

i was in 4th and I suck I already know

8