Bus

Bus jokes

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.

Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."

The pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales.

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door throughout the community and sell what you can. You can give these away, but donations are always accepted since the word of God is the most important message."

"T-t-t-t-th-th-th-thank you f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father... i-i-i-i-i-i-I'll s-s-s-s-se-se-sell what I c-c-c-cc-can..."

The pastor sends the man on his way.

About an hour later to the pastor's surprise, the stuttering man returns with an empty box and $200 cash.

The pastor is completely shocked, but is ultimately filled with joy as the church could use the funds more than ever, not to mention the community is that much closer to God's message.

So without asking questions, he happily sends the stuttering man on his way with 2 more boxes of Bibles.

"T-t-t-t-t-t-th-th-th-th-tha-thank you f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father, i-i-i-i-i-i-I'll be back s-s-s-s-s-soo-soo-soo-soon."

Exactly 2 hours later the stuttering man returns, only this time carrying 2 empty boxes and $500 cash.

The pastor is at a loss for words. So much so, that he's questioning whether the stuttering man is coming across these funds legitimately.

He pulls the man aside and asks, "Son, while myself and the church thank you for your efforts in selling these bibles, we want to make sure not to take advantage of common people. Most of my volunteers take upwards of a month to sell a single box of Bibles, and you've sold 3 boxes in a few hours. May I ask what you're telling these people when you approach their home?"

"W-w-w-w-we-we-well f-ff-f-f-f-fa-fa-fath-father it-it-it-it-its qui-q-q-q-qui-quite s-s-s-s-s-s-si-sim-simple."

"I ju-ju-ju-ju-just ask the-the-th-th-th-the-them if th-th-th-th-the-the-they'd l-l-l-l-li-li-li-li-lik-like to b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-buy a b-b-b-bi-bi-bi-bible or if they w-w-w-w-w-wa-wa-wa-wan-want me to re-re-re-rea-read it to them."

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?

Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”

He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.

EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

WebMD: Cancer.

Yo mama is so fat, when she wore yellow, the kids thought they missed the bus.

Why did the basketball player not get on the bus?

Because he couldn’t be caught travelling! 😂

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

  • 1

    • Your hairline is so wonky, "Wheels on the Bus" goes round and round on your hairline.

    A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

    Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."

    Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."

    Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."

    Teacher: "*stands up*"

    Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."

    Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

    Man's friend: Same.

    Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

    Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

    Man: Oh great heavens!

    Your mama is so fat that when she went to run in a yellow jumpsuit, the kids thought they missed the school bus.

    Your mama is so fat and stupid. She got hit by a school bus. Her reply was, "Who threw that Twinkie at me?"