Bringing jokes
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
Three women—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—are riding through the desert on a dune buggy. About two hours later, their vehicle dies with no gas, and they're forced to travel to their destination on foot, but they all agree to carry something with them.
The brunette brings canteens of water.
The redhead takes a large beach umbrella.
The blonde somehow rips off the car door.
The redhead asks her, "Why did you take the whole car door?"
To which the blonde replied, "So I can roll down the window in case it gets too hot."
Bring out your weapons, people.
It's bullying time.
Yo mama so stupid that when she went to see Fast and Furious 8, she was bringing her car to the theater.
The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees, and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man.
The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun, and a dog. They search through the jungle for about an hour and then spot a male gorilla above in the treetops.
The man asks the poacher what the plan is. The poacher replies, "I'm going to climb the tree and, when I get close enough, I'm going to start poking the gorilla with the stick until it falls out of the tree.
The dog is a specially trained dog. When the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog will try to bite off the gorilla's balls. When the gorilla moves its hands to protect its balls, you put the handcuffs on it."
This all seems to make sense to the man, but he has one question. "What is the shotgun for?" he asks the poacher. The poacher responds: "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.
That one really *crashed and burned*.
Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.
Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.
Teacher: Why?
Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.
Why did the rapper bring a comb to the concert?
Because he wanted to STYLE his FLOW.
Why did the rapper bring a dictionary on stage?
To DEFINE his rap game!
Why do people use terms like "sucky" to mean that they don't like something?
If something "sucks," shouldn't that signify that it is at least good for one thing and will bring pleasure?
Timmy Turner: I wish the Vegan Teacher was a cheeseburger.
Wanda: Ok, Timmy.
Timmy: Cosmo, bring her to me!
Cosmo: Here you go, Timmy.
*Timmy eats Miss Kadie*
There are perks to bringing an emo to the grocery store; you can get coupons by scanning their wrist.
America has white people that are terrorists and racists. They love to blame people from different countries for what they have done.
White person: "We are not terrorists. Why would [we] ever do that in our history?"
The rest of the people: *looks at them stupid* "Y'all were the first motherfuckers to be a terrorist first and then wanting to blame others for your action."
1 person: "You still carrying that confederate flag. It means hatred and [you're] still trying to fight to bring back slaves again. Y'all say it's heritage and not hate, but [you're] clearly still a fucking loser, and your flag has an X [on it, which] means wrong. So... Still a loser. People can't be racist to a racist. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying all white people are racist, but I am talking about the ones who voted for Trump and be blind as hell. FUCK DONALD TRUMP AND THE RACIST PEOPLE!"
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the concert?
Because he wanted to reach new heights in his performance.
Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A swallow.