Both jokes

What do cake and baseball have in common?

Both need batters.

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

What's the same about boxes and children?

They're both found in basements.

If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

Dating a girl and studying mathematics, both give a headache.

What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?

They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.

What do Marie Antoinette and 2005-2012 Korn have in common?

They're both Headless.

You could say ancient Egyptians and JDM car fans are alike--they both worship Datsun.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

What is the origin of the glory hole?

The origins can be found in San Francisco, California, where historians claim that a meat thermometer was sticking out of a hole from both sides, especially the divider between bathroom stalls inside the men's restroom used for an anonymous massage for gay men by gay men in San Francisco, CA, in the Wild West.

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."

The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.

What's the same with a controller and a woman?

They both work if you hit them.