Both jokes

What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both try to get there before the hair does.

What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

You could say Japanese car fans and ancient Egyptians are alike—they both worship Datsun.

How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.

Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.

Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.

Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

What's common in vampires and American kids?

They both don't get old.

What's common between the penis and a Rubik's cube?

Both get hard when we play with them.

What's the difference between a crumbled man and 9/11... nothing, they're both crumbled.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

In a lesbian relationship, which feminazi cooks?

None, both carpet munchers eat out.

What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?

They both use strap on tools.

Why are life and a penis alike?

Women make both of them hard.

What do you call a person that is both Black and Hispanic and was born on Wednesday? Miérkoolaids.

What do Drew Bledsoe and the Twin Towers have in common?

They both got taken out by two jets.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What do nail polish and panties have in common?

Both come off with alcohol.

What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.