Little Johnny

Bloodcurdling scream

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Orphan

Anonymous

How did the orphan become famous ? They said “Go Big or Go Home”

People

Bad

suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry

Depression

Anonymous

“Go big or go home”, that’s what some people say.

“Go loud and proud”, that’s what other people say.

“Go out with a big, loud bang!”, that’s what I say.

Die

Person

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.

“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

Common

Anonymous

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

Puns

Anonymous

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

People

Tony

Why did the snail paint a big “S” on his car? Because he wanted people to say look at that S car go when he rolled by.

Sack

Anonymous

Why is Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year

Milk

ya boi

guy spills milk on a me i say " it’s OK we all make mistakes sometimes but apparently your mom made a big one

Old

The Irish Outlaw

I like my couches like my I like my women… Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

Puns

Hannan Janjuaa

I am a big fan of whiteboards I find them quite re-markable

Puns

Anonymous

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.

Puns

Anonymous

Why do ballerinas wear tutus? The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.

Man

Anonymous

A very rich and famous comedian walked in to a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him:

  • This vodka isn’t good enough for you.
  • If it is good enough for you it is gudonov for me!

Orphan

Emilly

Orphan- I want to kill my parents

People- I dont think you have the facilities for that big man

Girlfriend

Anonymous

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a seven year old.

Girlfriend

Bob

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

Puns

Greg M.

Why do mermaids wear seashells? They are too big for “B” shells, and too small for “D” shells.

Wife

Anonymous

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael’s wife died the same day that Mark’s boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. "Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, “Heck no. In fact, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!” The old lady fainted. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Loading...