Bible jokes

Why can Jesus walk on water?

Because rubbish floats.

The Bible said, "Adam and Eve..." So I did both.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"

Did Jesus cut his nails?

No! His nails cut through him.

What cow can part water? Mooses.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

Teacher: He did not.

Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

Suzy: Then you can ask him.

What do the initials BIBLE stand for?

Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

I wish everyone spoke to each other the way God did.

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself.

So I treat everyone like garbage.

What does the Bible stand for?

Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

How does Moses make his cup of tea?

He brews it.

How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f... altar boys.

Did Jesus die virgin? Nope, he got nailed before he died.

I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.

Need an arch? I Noah guy.