What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!
Things said by racist aliens:
"Some of my best friends are Green."
"I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."
"You're very pretty for a Purple girl."
"We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"
"Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."
"You 2-headed people are so stupid!"
"No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."
"Get out of my store you grigger!"
"The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"
What is the best power that man can do? They can move the mountain with their tongue.
The other day, my best friend flipped off the table in class. I thought it was flipping amazing!
Where do you go to get the best fish?
A restaurant on the Titanic.
What's the best about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.
I caught my mom licking up and down and deep throat a banana. I said why are you doing that for. I’m doing it for practice for who could suck the best dick contest in the neighborhood.
whats the best part of the vegetable the wheelchair
Jow do you make a tissue dance you put a boghie in it
1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.
What's the best thing about taking a shower with a 12 year old Philippino girl?
If you slick her hair back, she looks 10.
When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”
It's best not to say "Hail Satan" because he can't control the weather!
Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!
Why is the iPhone X best for orphans?
There is no home button.
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
- The silence.
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
The Gold Coast Titans winning the NRL. Best joke ever.
