Being jokes

Flat Earther pickup line: "The Earth may be flat, but Uranus is round."

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

Yo mom is so fat when she went to sit on the couch it said, "To be continued."

Why do orphans play GTA so much?

Because they can be wanted for once.

Why did the orphan have to go to public school? He could not be home-schooled.

Why do orphans play GTA?

They want to be wanted.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”

Hispanic and Latino people be like, "No more immigrants!" Like, dude, aren't you an immigrant?

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said: "To be continued."

You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.