Being jokes

What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.

I sat down and reminisced about the past. I remembered all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't a good idea.

Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

What’s the difference between a cow and 9/11?

A cow can’t be milked for 21 years.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

If someone wears black, say, "If you see someone wears black, they always be emo."

I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.

This is not a joke, Tom. I'm asking you to leave me alone, stop being sexual, I don't like you.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are da bomb.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

Why does the retard not like eating his vegetables? Because he knows not to be a cannibal, he knows somehow.

Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.

You're so fat that when you stepped on a scale, it said, "To be continued..."