Baby jokes

How do you get a baby to stop crying?

Simple... you staple its mouth shut.

How do I feed the baby with my pants on?

How many babies does it take to make dinner?

Three to four; there's not a lot of meat on them.

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"

The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

I don't f**k a sandwich before I eat it.

What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

My dick while I'm doing it.

Where is the most dangerous place for a human being to be?

In the womb of a woman who wants to abort her unborn baby. 😢

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? 327.

Let's try to get to either max likes or dislikes, your choice.

And duck jokes, who would win in a fight, a baby or a pacifist, presented by duck?

What is worse: 10 babies stapled to 1 tree, or 1 baby stapled to ten trees?

How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 40 because my basement is still dark.

What is blue and sits in a corner? A baby in a baggy.

What do Indian hip hop artists eat?

Rice rice baby.

How do you make a baby cry?

You punch it in the face.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is fun to hit with a sledge hammer, and the other is just a watermelon.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of dead babies.

Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?

Because dead babies make the best chum! :)

What's better than a pile of dead babies?

One that's alive in the middle that has to eat its way out.