Ares jokes
Kid: I want to be like Batman.
Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.
Genie: I told you.
Kid: .............................................
Me: What are you?
Jake: A muddeasso.
There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"
What are they going to say about Tim Gunn in 20 years?
He kicked the bucket.
Why does Megan sound like a man, but she is a good singer and rapper, but then people talk about her? What's y'all rapper are singer?
I wanna date you.
Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.
I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"
What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them.
Whenever you think back to 9/11 and realize there are 12 hours in front of us, why the f*ck didn't they warn us?
You are in the airway, how funny!
Why are trees afraid of dogs? Because they bark.
Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.
My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.
If laughter is contagious, Kris's jokes are immunity.
Some people are such "treasures" that you just want to bury them.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
How can you tell what kind of emo you are?
By how deep the cuts are on your forearm.
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
Why are Russians forced to drink grizzly bear piss in Russia?
Because vodka in Russia is weak.
How are Jews and potatoes different?
A potato keeps its skin.