Ares jokes
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house looks like.
Why can't orphans have cookies?
They are home made.
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
An optimist says, "The glass is half full."
A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."
Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"
Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.
I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."
Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.
Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
Why are the UK and the USA bad at playing chess?
Because they lost 2 towers and their queen.
Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
Are you a pirate? Because I have a lot of seamen waiting for you 😉
Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.
Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
They're making a new Alien movie.
There are so many aliens you can't keep track.
Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?
A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.
How is slavery different from Pokémon?
There are different types of Pokémon.
There are 4 billion women on earth. Why isn't it clean yet?
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.