ANS jokes
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
A family photo.
I saw a kid crying and I asked him where his parents were...
Man, I love working at an orphanage.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
Chuck Norris can make an omelet from Kinder surprise.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.
Q: What is Trump?
A: An oversized oompa loompa.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"
Why can't an orphan go on a field trip? They don't have a parent's signature.
Sonic says: "If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"
A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.
The boy asks, "What gave me away?"
The man responds, "Your parents."