ANS jokes
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?
Hitler knows when to kill himself!
I saw a robbery at the Apple store.
Am I an iWitness?
How do you name an Asian child?
Ring the doorbell.
What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
A family photo.
I saw a kid crying and I asked him where his parents were...
Man, I love working at an orphanage.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
Chuck Norris can make an omelet from Kinder surprise.
I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.
What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
Q: What is Trump?
A: An oversized oompa loompa.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."