ANS jokes
Q. What do a one-story house and an Alzheimer's victim have in common? A. Nothing going on upstairs.
I hope you're an organ donor so your organs can go to someone who deserves them.
What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?
Let us prey.
Why did Severus Snape cross the road wearing an invisibility cloak?
So no one would know what side he was on.
I rule my women with an IRON FIST!!
Yeah, literally an iron that my fist is clenching against her face.
Your mom gave me a three course meal last night:
Starters - Foreplay
Main course - Reverse Cowgirl
Dessert - Blowy
Won't forget the side drink of an individual on individual bukkake.
I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.
Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.
Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!
Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.
Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.
Tonight, I picked up an anorexic prostitute.
It was really easy because she was only about 90 pounds.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
Q' What's an Alzheimer's victim's favorite type of comedy?
A. I forget.
Q. What's an aborted baby's favourite type of humor? A. ...
Q. What's an emo's favorite type of comedy?
A. Gallows humor.
A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."
A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."
Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...
I used to think all Americans were racist.
Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.
Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.
I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.
I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.
I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.
What does a crooked lawyer who is not on the ACLU payroll have in common with a crooked politician who has an office in Washington, DC?
They both sign their names using a blue pen 🖊 🖊.
What is a victimless crime in the state of Michigan if you are an able-bodied man who is well-endowed, not white, and not a heterosexual male?
A white male who is heterosexual and physically disabled who is sodomized by an able-bodied and well-endowed gay male who is not white inside the men's locker room at the gym.
If a CEO goes blind, are they just an EO?