What's your mom and a dog got in common?
Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.
How do you know the baby's dead? The dog plays with it more.
Why couldnโt the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
What's the difference between a bird and an emo?
Birds fly.
How do you turn a cat into a fish?
Tell your girl not to wash down there.
I canโt watch anime anymore when my friendโs grandpa is in the house.
He hasnโt heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. ๐ฎโ๐จ
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
A lion would never drive while drunk.
But a tiger wood.
What did Ahsan do?
Meow meow.
What's the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tailโit'll be delighted!
When can an elephant use an umbrella and not get wet?
When it's not raining.
What's the difference between a piranha and a teenage girl?
The piranha doesn't wear makeup.
What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?
A very pissed duck.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"
Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.
He finally got up there, but a bird stole his co-.
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. ๐ค
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side. Y'all knew this one, fr.
This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"
So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."
They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"
