And jokes

The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”

He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”

Teacher: Ok class good morning, we are going to start off by what kind of sound animals make.

Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?

Class: A cow says, "moo moo."

Teacher: Good.

Teacher: What does a sheep make?

Class: A sheep says, "baa baaa."

Teacher: Good! Now what does a pig say?

Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall you black mother fucke*!"

What do you call an animal with 3 eyes, 2 mouths, 6 noses, and 4 ears?

A roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.

What's red, green, and smells like shit?

... Red and green shit.

If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!

What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?

There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That it will never get old.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

I was in a bar in Italy. Me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number. I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found. I turned back, then I saw Pessi running with it. Shame on you, Pessi, for ruining my night! 😭

What do computer programming and 9/11 have in common?

They're both inside jobs.

How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.

A penis has a bad life. His neighbor is an asshole, his friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?

You after you disrespect me.

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.