And jokes

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

What's a man's favorite thing that starts with "m" and ends with "arriage?"

Miscarriage.

What's yellow and can't swim but screams when it goes under?

A school bus full of kids.

She said she was hungry. So I fucked her in the ass and gave her a chili dog.

Just shit my pants and it ran all down my legs... last time I eat at Popeyes.

What's the difference between an orphan's life and a knife?

A knife has a point.

One day my ex-best friend lied about his computer dying when he left the call and watched YouTube.

Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?

He had no legs.

What's the difference between a high street betting firm and a prostitute?

You can get on with a prostitute!

I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.

Girl: Hey. Boy: Hi? Girl: I need to tell you something... Boy: WHAT? Girl: I like you. Boy: And I hate you. Boy: YOU'RE A CHICKEN 🐔🐔 🐔 Girl: I HATE YOU YOU POOP 💩💩💩💩 Girl: LOSER L Boy: I thought you said you liked me. Girl: SHUT UP CHICKEN/POOP 💩💩🐔 🐔 Boy: GIRL BYE Girl: Bye Felicia.

Lady: Will you fuck me?

Man: No, I don’t have a penis.

Lady pulls down man's pants and looks in them. "Yes, you do!" she says.

Man: Oh, I forgot it was there.

I like fire trucks and monster trucks.

How many degrees does it take to change ice into boiling water?

199, because the difference between -100 and +100 is 199 (excluding the zero, because it's not real and it doesn't exist because it's not real).

Get?

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.

What's the difference between a gun and chips? When you bring it to class, everyone starts wanting to be your friend.

I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?

They both have to stay in the kitchen.

A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"

The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."