And jokes

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?

Because the little boy had no legs.

What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?

A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.

What is it about a beard and glasses that children find so sexy?

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.

Why did the cat meow?

Because it's a cat, and they meow.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?

Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.

What’s the difference between drugs and kids?

I don’t do drugs.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf, and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

What do maths and 9/11 have in common?

They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley!

I just got a job at the prison library.

It has its prose and cons.