And jokes
What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."
I saw a kid crying and I asked him where his parents were...
Man, I love working at an orphanage.
Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.
A boy and his friend were walking down the street.
Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"
Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."
Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."
Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.
He came in twice.
(like if u understand)
What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
Memes
What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?
90% of America's population.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.
The shovel is a ground breaking invention.
*Slaps and laughs*
How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?
She can clean her crack and sell it again.
I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.
I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!
What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!
I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.
My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."