And jokes

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!

I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.

Because Jill's real name was Randy.

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50, that fuckin' whore.

What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?

They both have something hanging in their closet.

China is as fake as bitches with plastic surgery, and they talk about body positivity.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs!

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.