And jokes

The shovel is a ground breaking invention.

*Slaps and laughs*

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.

Because Jill's real name was Randy.

What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

What is the difference between a hooker and a feminist?

If you want a hooker to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but they usually crash and burn.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

what's the difference between apples and orphans? ... the apples get picked.

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs!

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

How do you blindfold an Asian? String!

What do an orphan's father and Nemo have in common?

They are both nowhere to be found.

What's the difference between an erection and Edward Holland? Nothing, they're both dicks.