And jokes

What do Evil Knievel and Michael Jackson have in common? Both have skidmarks on their helmets.

What do emos and the Twin Towers have in common? There were two, but now there are none.

A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

What's black on top and white on the bottom?

rape.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

I saw a kid crying and I asked him where his parents were...

Man, I love working at an orphanage.

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

He came in twice.

(like if u understand)

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?

They sync properly.

A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.

The shovel is a ground breaking invention.

*Slaps and laughs*

How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

She can clean her crack and sell it again.