And jokes

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Fortnite is just like high school. You get off the bus and start shooting everybody.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.

What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?

Flatman and Ribbon.

What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?

I don't know! I don't care!