And jokes

What’s the difference between Disney+ and P*rnhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

Cheap oil, no immigration, and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised.

There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.

Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.

In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.

What do Drake and math have in common? They’re both hard for kids.

I have a dog named Syndrome.

But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout, "DOWN SYNDROME!"

Government Briefing:

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today...

...He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?

Gonorrhea.

What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Patrick Fitz Gerald, and Gerald Fitz Patrick.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

Q: What's the difference between LeBron James and a priest?

A: The size of balls they play with.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.