And jokes

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

And microtransaction.

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.

Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.

In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.

What do Drake and math have in common? They’re both hard for kids.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"