And jokes

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

Fortnite is just like high school. You get off the bus and start shooting everybody.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.

What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?

A robot can feign empathy.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

What do you call a black person eating chicken, watermelon, and drinking Kool-Aid?

Reality.