And jokes

What's red and spins really fast?

Kurt Cobain's ceiling fan.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

They made a horror movie about the Chinese president.

It's called "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey."

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

And microtransaction.

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.

Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.

In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.

What do Drake and math have in common? They’re both hard for kids.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.