And jokes

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."

Why were the twin towers actually twins?

Their birth and death date are the same!

School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

Son: Mom, what is dark humor?

Mom: Son, do you see that man trying to tie his shoe with no hands?

Son: Mother, you know I'm blind and can't see!!

Mom: Exactly!

How do you rape a feminist? Tell her you are a woman and she will let you do whatever. You won't even need to force it.

What's the difference between kids and drugs? I don't sell drugs.

I threw a paralyzed kid into the fireplace and called him hotwheels.

Decisions taken by world leaders often have great significance during a crisis.

The Americans, in particular, are suffering many losses during the current global pandemic. Remember, in the 1980's they had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.

In 2020 they have Donald Trump, no Cash, and no Hope!

I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.

What goes Snap, Crackle, and Pop?

A neck.

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?

My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.

I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.

I have depression, and am suicidal. Nobody knows though, let's joke about that lol.

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

What is purple and whines when it’s squished?

A bunch of grapes! 🍇😂

What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.