And jokes

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.

ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!