And jokes

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.

What's the difference between light and hard?

It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

What objects have the most gravitational force?

A Lambo and a gold digger.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.

What’s the difference between Hitler and Steven Hawking?

Nothing, they're both dead, one painted the walls and the other committed suicide by pressing ALT + F4.

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

What is the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

An iPhone has a button to go home.

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.