All jokes

A mouse said, "Who should put the bell on the cat?" Then all mice said, "The old one."

I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.

Why were the people in 911 devastated?

They ordered extra flavored pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

There was an emo kid in their room, boom, they're all gone, now.

You are so fat you were able to occupy Wall Street all by yourself.

What do you call a cow with all of his legs? High steaks.

Clear all your debts with one easy payment. Buy a shotgun and blow your head off.

An orphan was playing with a famous baseball player. The baseball player walks up to him and says, "Dude, I gotta teach you." The orphan goes, "Why? I got all your moves down." The baseball player goes, "But kid, you can never find home, though."

Did you know there’s a sex move called Amazon?

You wait all day and nobody comes.

Can I make you a basketball cake for dessert?

Yeah, you sure can, but don't be having all your balls in it. It will taste nasty.

Why were people sad when John F. Kennedy got shot? All he got was head.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Yull.

Yull who?

You'll be sorry if you eat all the fruitcake!

Fuck all reading this.

Do you like all the jokes I’ve been “cracking?”

What has 2 legs and is red all over?

Why couldn't the kid with Down syndrome play football? Because he got all the downs.

There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:

Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.

Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?

Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.

Johnny, Johnny?

Yes, Papa.

Eating sugar?

Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.

Smoking? Telling lies?

Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor's house.

Police: Where is your neighbor's house?

Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Me: Next to my house.

Police: *Arrests me*

Wheels on the bus go round and round Round and round round and round Wheels on the bus go round and round All through the town.

Horn on the bus goes beep beep beep Beep beep beep beep beep beep Horn on the bus goes beep beep beep All through the town.

The sheep on the bus goes baa baa baa Baa baa baa baa baa baa The sheep on the bus goes baa baa baa All through the town.