A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...
I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
Just because someone is white doesn't mean they are bad.
Sure, white Americans all treat Trump like a deity and are proud of their heritage of enslaving blacks.
But Canadians and Australians don't throw a hissy fit every time they see someone not white, and they don't think Europe is a country.
"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?
People claim that Trump has Russian ties.
FAKE NEWS!
All of Trump's ties are made in China.
One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.
After a minute, a boy stands up.
The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.
The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.
Sorry for all the jokes, I'll end it.
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.
